Blog = 100
Gretchen = 0
And so it goes. I really wanted to do the "one thankful thing a day" this month, especially via Instagram as I'm totally addicted, but let's just be honest – I would get maybe 4 days in, miss a day, and totally derail. *Thankfully* I was able to acknowledge that to myself before thinking it would be the best idea ever.
For now, a quick bit on some recent thoughts...
I'm living in great tension lately. It started awhile back, but I haven't put words to it until the last few days or so. (At least, we'll see if I can put words to it or not.) So many things continue to go right here, and I continue to be affirmed – in work, in friendships, in church. But in the midst of all the good and amazing, it's been a hard season. I find myself very vulnerable and open and yet ready to shut down at any given moment to avoid spilling over. I feel as though God is challenging and convicting me, and I'm growing and leaning into Him more than I have in quite some time, but it's so very hard. It's painful. It's humbling. I love it and hate it all at once; I know God is getting my attention in some very needed ways, yet it competes with my "me do it" resolve.
This tension... it's manifested itself in every area of life lately...
...in the coming undone of my typically amazing ability to compartmentalize and accomplish things.
...in the poor handling of relationships, both on my part and the part of others.
...in my drive for perfection, approval-seeking, and fear of failure. And disappointment? I die...!
...in Mercy Project as we grow and become more visible publicly, as we wrestle with perceptions and outside opinions.
...in marathon planning as we aim to go above and beyond for 3,000+ runners but simply can't please every one in every moment.
...in the day-to-day interactions I have with people – wanting to pour into others more than I am and simply not balancing that well with so, so much going on.
But this time, this tension, it's drawing me in. I see the refining and shaping that is taking place – the preference of being closer to the heart of God than exchanging that for perfection and distance. Of course, I'd like to not jinx that and say "bring it on", but there's something so rich about being in a place where, for better or worse, I'm kissing stagnancy goodbye for a bit and diving in to the messy.
And oh, praise God that He deals in the messy. In the broken. In the far-from-having-it-all-together. Praise God for the ways in which He meets us where we are and refines us.
That is right where I want to be.
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Posts on marathon madness, life as of late, a day trip to Dallas, and Thanksgiving festivities to come... eventually.
Hey. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for being brave, real, scared, and willing to be refined. We all struggle for control and performance and God continues to break it down, in all of us. I look forward to what this season brings. You are loved.